if we go down, we go down together.

I'm sitting here at work, doing nothing. This has got to be one of the most painfully boring days of the past year of my life. I haven't wanted to be here since I got here, and I've made it pretty clear. I'm sick and I want to go to sleep, but I'm not allowed to take a day off because Katie is pregnant and can't ever stay at work for a full day.
I haven't moved much from my desk, other than when I went outside to give Will some money. I would rather just sit here and zone out into my own little world. I've been daydreaming of cars and new clothes, summer and sunshine...basically all the things I can't have right now. It's frustrating to me, beyond all belief, that I can't just go out and buy the things that I need right now. I'm going without because I just want to set aside some cash for a car. It doesn't even have to be a nice car. Just something that has four wheels, a roof, and a motor. Fuck, who even needs a roof. I'll just cover the top in Saran wrap.
I'm desparate for satisfaction. I just want to feel secure with what I have in life, and I absolutely don't. Working 40+ hour weeks just to make enough money to pay bills really isn't going to cut it. There's gotta be more somewhere. Something to make my heart jump. I want excitement and happiness, but at the same time I need to know that I'm absolutely, 100% safe in whatever situation surrounds me.

It's complicated, but really...what isn't?

I've been dancing on the tops of buildings.

I just wrote three or four big paragraphs and deleted them all.

I don't really know where to start, since it's been so long since I've blogged. I've moved once or twice, and my health has gone to shit. I guess once you start caring so much about another person, you don't have as much room in your heart for yourself. I went to the doctor today and I was given three prescriptions. Two were for something pre-existing, and the other was an antibiotic. I was prescribed Ambien since I haven't had a good night's sleep since about '94. I got the antibiotic because I have a beastly UTI. I've known for a few weeks that I've had a UTI, but I thought I could get rid of it on my own with cranberry juice and water. Not really a good plan. The doctor was kind of pissed at me.
I live with Will. I don't remember when I last blogged, so I have no idea if I've already said this, but whatever. Whatever is probably the last word a person should use while blogging. I'm such a non-conformist. Well, it's just the two of us (just the twooo of us/we can make it if we tryyy) in a really cute, clean apartment. We spend a lot of time watching movies and annoying the hell out of each other any way we can. It's more than I've ever dreamed of. I love every second that I spend with him and it's honestly nothing I thought I could ever feel. Okay, got the mushy stuff out of the way.
My job sucks a lot. I work overtime most weeks, because my supervisor is pregnant and really hates her job...and me. She thinks I'm going to be the one to get her position when she leaves, which I don't mind, as long as I get a raise and some damn good benefits. If that happens though, I'll be working like 5-10 more hours a week, which is really going to take a toll on my body, since I'm already falling apart.

I'm done now.
Have a nice second/minute/hour/day/night/week/month/year/life.

i'll be brave tonight, either live or die.

If I could be a big heart breaker,

I'd watch you crash into my arms

With the stars under the barrel of a gun

We die young...

Thinking of the way you would want to die really puts you in your place. You feel centered knowing that even if you have no control over what happens in your life, the only certainty is death. I never want to be old. On one hand, I want to die moments after my life peaks. As soon as everything starts to go downhill, I want to peace the fuck out. What person honestly wants to feel like their life is just going to continue getting worse until their time is up? Granted, I would love to feel like I've lived my life to the fullest, and I wouldn't be doing that if I died young.

I don't believe that when we die, our 'souls' have anywhere in particular to go. I believe that there must be something divine running shit somewhere, because life always seems to have a way of working itself out. Teenagers are constantly doing stupid things to give themselves a false sense of control over things, but normally, all runs smoothly in the end. The only theory that seems remotely likely in these situations is fate. Teenagers need time to learn that they do not, and probably will not ever have a decent amount of control over their lives. No human being honestly feels good about their life without doing something dangerous...risky...out of control. And to think that we were built this way, whether chemically or spiritually, could be considered ridiculous, if not for the fact that we've always got the excuse of 'fate' to fall back on.

but don't forget the more you turn away, the more i want you to stay.

I've given my heart out to so many people. It's almost ridiculous. I'd like to think that I'm becoming stronger about things, but I'm not really sure. I know that most of the people I care about stopped caring about me long ago. I stay attached to people for entirely too long, and it has become something that I'm sort of comfortable with. I've been dating Will for about three weeks, and I've already started to love him. He's the most amazing boyfriend I've ever been with. He's funny, smart, and he's always there for me. Will wants to make me happy, and he does a very good job of it. I know that I worry entirely too much about getting fucked over by him, but that's because I've wasted so much time on people who really don't give a fuck about me. I'm starting to realize that Will is not going to fuck me over, and it's almost pointless to worry this much. It scares me though, that I'm letting my guard down. What if I let my guard down, and then I mess things up again?

tonight wont make a difference.

The title of this post was actually inspired by my dear Mandalyn. She always has some random Taking Back Sunday or Brand New lyrics to throw into a conversation at just the right time. Tonight really really isn't my night. I'm in a horrible mood for no reason, and I just want to see my boyfriend. The thing is, he's at work right now, so I don't know if or when that is going to happen.

I've been spending a lot of time alone lately, sitting in my room, playing with my laptop, watching cartoons, sleeping, or reading. I've been trying to get a job, but no one really wants to hire me. I have been trying. I've applied everywhere in town that would take my application, but no one has even called me for an interview. I want a job...I need a job. It's really important to me that I get back on my feet after dropping out of college and moving back home. I mean, it's not like I was there for long at all...just a few hours, but I feel like I had everything back at home all wrapped up and now I have to start again.

Will makes me feel better about everything. He doesn't mind that I couldn't stay in school. He doesn't pick on me, and he doesn't tell me I need to change. He's okay with the fact that right now, I'm too scared to be on my own. I'm really glad I have him around, because he's the only person who's physically close to me that I feel is okay with the choices I've made.

I've Watched a Change in You.

One of the things I wish for most is consistency. In my life, nothing seems to stay constant. My family situation fluctuates uncontrollably. My group of friends always grows and shrinks. My plans don't always follow through. I cannot keep a boyfriend around for long. It's not that I'm afraid of change; I just never seem to have control of my life. I'd like to have a firm grasp on something for a while. I'm not sure if it could be partly my fault, or what. I just want to be able to wake up in the morning and know that for a little while, at least one thing in my life isn't going to go completely downhill.

i started something that i couldn't finish.

I have never honestly known that I have been in love. I have never felt loved by another person romantically. Granted, I'm only seventeen, but look at all the girls my age who're so happy and soo blabla lovey dovey. My tolerance for emotions may be higher or something, but what if there's just something wrong with me? What if I am just impossible to love?

There has been one person in my life who I could say I may have been in love with. I know that I love him, but I have loved many boys. I have a big heart, and that's nothing I'm ashamed of. The way I felt about Chad was different than the way I've felt about any other boy, but it just wasn't meant to work. I was never good enough, he was never around at the right times. I've been through too much that has left me too emotional for someone as rock-fucking-solid as him. He loved another girl, and I'm sure that girl will always come before me, even if she's not around anymore. I've learned that I need to find someone who will accept me for what I am. I'm not always happy, I'm not always ready to do what's asked, and I'm not willing to change myself to fit someone else's mold. I've got a lot on my plate, and I will never be able to devote myself to another person the way I'm sure he would have wanted me to. We've had our ups and downs, and I'm done trying so hard just to get the same reaction.

Now that I've finally given up, he "loves" me. It's been a year of back and forth. I've tried to please him in countless different ways, and Chad will never be satisfied. I've loved him for entirely too long, but I know that I wont stop. I can push him away. I'll find happiness, I'm sure. I can't sit around hoping that someday I'll be perfect for him. Perfect doesn't exist anyway, so why should I try? I mean, it hurts to know that I've caused him pain, but I will never forget the way that he's made me feel in the past. To know that one of the people you care about most in your life could care less about you is definitely one of the shittiest feelings in the world. I'm done feeling that way. I want to be happy.

Well I can't regret, can't you just forget it?

i'm not here to judge you. i'm just here to tell you what you have done wrong.

I want to learn how to cut ties with people. I want to be able to just erase people from my life and not have to worry about missing them. I always end up missing someone who should mean ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to me. Sooner or later, I give in and start talking to that person again, and I end up stuck with some asshole putting me in bad moods every day of my life. It's not that I want LOTS of people out of my life...just quite a few. (:

I also need to learn how to not try controlling every situation I am in. I always want to help people, and I get really really frustrated when they don't take my advice. I don't think I would mind so much if they just admitted that they didn't plan on listening, but my friends always tell me I'm right, and then just continue fucking up. I mean, I'm not perfect, but I'm not fucking stupid either. I've been through my fair share of bullshit, and I wouldn't try to help if I didn't think I knew how.

FUCK.

suspended like spirits over speeding cars.

Whenever I listen to Soco Amaretto Lime, I get this shitty sad feeling in the pit of my stomach. I miss summer so very much. This summer has made some fucking stellar memories and it's kind of saddening that winter's just around the corner. I know why this song causes me to feel so nostalgic. It has everything to do with a certain graduation party of my wonderful step-brother Sammy's. All night, Ray had his acoustic out off and on, playing Brand New songs that we all knew, because we're all troubled teens with good taste in alternative music.

Anyway, the image that enters my mind when this song starts to play is a beautiful one. I see all of my friends: drunk, high, happy, sad, half naked, hugging, kissing, dancing, living. The shadows are shifting and turning because we're all seeing by the light of a huge bonfire. The grass is littered with beer cans, cigarette packs, random items of clothing, and people who are completely done-for. All of the people around me are singing at the top of their lungs. The feeling you get when an amazing song is being lived out by you and all of your friends one warm summer night is something that can't be felt any other way. It's seriously one of the greatest emotions I've ever felt, even if it's kind of shitty now that summer's over.

Good Morning Sunshine.

Mornings are the absolute worst sometimes. I'm not sure why, but they are. Once in a while, I'll wake up feeling like I've been hit by an eighteen-wheeler. My head hurts, my back hurts, my ribs and legs are sore, and I haven't the slightest idea why. I wouldn't exactly call it enjoyable, but I'm pretty sure I'm just used to it now. I would really like to find the cause of this problem though, so that I can fix it.

The problem could be too much sleep. Usually, I sleep for three or four hours at most, and that somehow gets me through the day. I don't feel sore or achy at all. Last night, I slept for almost seven hours, and I woke up feeling like garbage. Granted, I felt like shit before I went to bed, and I had some trouble falling asleep, but that much sleep should have somehow helped the situation. I've woken up with absolutely no energy. My throat is even semi-sore.

This post is completely pointless, and kind of horribly written, but I just don't understand. I could probably sleep for the rest of the day if my mind (and grandmother) would allow it. Maybe I'll just take a few Tylenol and get over it.