i'll be brave tonight, either live or die.

If I could be a big heart breaker,

I'd watch you crash into my arms

With the stars under the barrel of a gun

We die young...

Thinking of the way you would want to die really puts you in your place. You feel centered knowing that even if you have no control over what happens in your life, the only certainty is death. I never want to be old. On one hand, I want to die moments after my life peaks. As soon as everything starts to go downhill, I want to peace the fuck out. What person honestly wants to feel like their life is just going to continue getting worse until their time is up? Granted, I would love to feel like I've lived my life to the fullest, and I wouldn't be doing that if I died young.

I don't believe that when we die, our 'souls' have anywhere in particular to go. I believe that there must be something divine running shit somewhere, because life always seems to have a way of working itself out. Teenagers are constantly doing stupid things to give themselves a false sense of control over things, but normally, all runs smoothly in the end. The only theory that seems remotely likely in these situations is fate. Teenagers need time to learn that they do not, and probably will not ever have a decent amount of control over their lives. No human being honestly feels good about their life without doing something dangerous...risky...out of control. And to think that we were built this way, whether chemically or spiritually, could be considered ridiculous, if not for the fact that we've always got the excuse of 'fate' to fall back on.

but don't forget the more you turn away, the more i want you to stay.

I've given my heart out to so many people. It's almost ridiculous. I'd like to think that I'm becoming stronger about things, but I'm not really sure. I know that most of the people I care about stopped caring about me long ago. I stay attached to people for entirely too long, and it has become something that I'm sort of comfortable with. I've been dating Will for about three weeks, and I've already started to love him. He's the most amazing boyfriend I've ever been with. He's funny, smart, and he's always there for me. Will wants to make me happy, and he does a very good job of it. I know that I worry entirely too much about getting fucked over by him, but that's because I've wasted so much time on people who really don't give a fuck about me. I'm starting to realize that Will is not going to fuck me over, and it's almost pointless to worry this much. It scares me though, that I'm letting my guard down. What if I let my guard down, and then I mess things up again?

tonight wont make a difference.

The title of this post was actually inspired by my dear Mandalyn. She always has some random Taking Back Sunday or Brand New lyrics to throw into a conversation at just the right time. Tonight really really isn't my night. I'm in a horrible mood for no reason, and I just want to see my boyfriend. The thing is, he's at work right now, so I don't know if or when that is going to happen.

I've been spending a lot of time alone lately, sitting in my room, playing with my laptop, watching cartoons, sleeping, or reading. I've been trying to get a job, but no one really wants to hire me. I have been trying. I've applied everywhere in town that would take my application, but no one has even called me for an interview. I want a job...I need a job. It's really important to me that I get back on my feet after dropping out of college and moving back home. I mean, it's not like I was there for long at all...just a few hours, but I feel like I had everything back at home all wrapped up and now I have to start again.

Will makes me feel better about everything. He doesn't mind that I couldn't stay in school. He doesn't pick on me, and he doesn't tell me I need to change. He's okay with the fact that right now, I'm too scared to be on my own. I'm really glad I have him around, because he's the only person who's physically close to me that I feel is okay with the choices I've made.

I've Watched a Change in You.

One of the things I wish for most is consistency. In my life, nothing seems to stay constant. My family situation fluctuates uncontrollably. My group of friends always grows and shrinks. My plans don't always follow through. I cannot keep a boyfriend around for long. It's not that I'm afraid of change; I just never seem to have control of my life. I'd like to have a firm grasp on something for a while. I'm not sure if it could be partly my fault, or what. I just want to be able to wake up in the morning and know that for a little while, at least one thing in my life isn't going to go completely downhill.