i'll be brave tonight, either live or die.

If I could be a big heart breaker,

I'd watch you crash into my arms

With the stars under the barrel of a gun

We die young...

Thinking of the way you would want to die really puts you in your place. You feel centered knowing that even if you have no control over what happens in your life, the only certainty is death. I never want to be old. On one hand, I want to die moments after my life peaks. As soon as everything starts to go downhill, I want to peace the fuck out. What person honestly wants to feel like their life is just going to continue getting worse until their time is up? Granted, I would love to feel like I've lived my life to the fullest, and I wouldn't be doing that if I died young.

I don't believe that when we die, our 'souls' have anywhere in particular to go. I believe that there must be something divine running shit somewhere, because life always seems to have a way of working itself out. Teenagers are constantly doing stupid things to give themselves a false sense of control over things, but normally, all runs smoothly in the end. The only theory that seems remotely likely in these situations is fate. Teenagers need time to learn that they do not, and probably will not ever have a decent amount of control over their lives. No human being honestly feels good about their life without doing something dangerous...risky...out of control. And to think that we were built this way, whether chemically or spiritually, could be considered ridiculous, if not for the fact that we've always got the excuse of 'fate' to fall back on.

but don't forget the more you turn away, the more i want you to stay.

I've given my heart out to so many people. It's almost ridiculous. I'd like to think that I'm becoming stronger about things, but I'm not really sure. I know that most of the people I care about stopped caring about me long ago. I stay attached to people for entirely too long, and it has become something that I'm sort of comfortable with. I've been dating Will for about three weeks, and I've already started to love him. He's the most amazing boyfriend I've ever been with. He's funny, smart, and he's always there for me. Will wants to make me happy, and he does a very good job of it. I know that I worry entirely too much about getting fucked over by him, but that's because I've wasted so much time on people who really don't give a fuck about me. I'm starting to realize that Will is not going to fuck me over, and it's almost pointless to worry this much. It scares me though, that I'm letting my guard down. What if I let my guard down, and then I mess things up again?

tonight wont make a difference.

The title of this post was actually inspired by my dear Mandalyn. She always has some random Taking Back Sunday or Brand New lyrics to throw into a conversation at just the right time. Tonight really really isn't my night. I'm in a horrible mood for no reason, and I just want to see my boyfriend. The thing is, he's at work right now, so I don't know if or when that is going to happen.

I've been spending a lot of time alone lately, sitting in my room, playing with my laptop, watching cartoons, sleeping, or reading. I've been trying to get a job, but no one really wants to hire me. I have been trying. I've applied everywhere in town that would take my application, but no one has even called me for an interview. I want a job...I need a job. It's really important to me that I get back on my feet after dropping out of college and moving back home. I mean, it's not like I was there for long at all...just a few hours, but I feel like I had everything back at home all wrapped up and now I have to start again.

Will makes me feel better about everything. He doesn't mind that I couldn't stay in school. He doesn't pick on me, and he doesn't tell me I need to change. He's okay with the fact that right now, I'm too scared to be on my own. I'm really glad I have him around, because he's the only person who's physically close to me that I feel is okay with the choices I've made.

I've Watched a Change in You.

One of the things I wish for most is consistency. In my life, nothing seems to stay constant. My family situation fluctuates uncontrollably. My group of friends always grows and shrinks. My plans don't always follow through. I cannot keep a boyfriend around for long. It's not that I'm afraid of change; I just never seem to have control of my life. I'd like to have a firm grasp on something for a while. I'm not sure if it could be partly my fault, or what. I just want to be able to wake up in the morning and know that for a little while, at least one thing in my life isn't going to go completely downhill.

i started something that i couldn't finish.

I have never honestly known that I have been in love. I have never felt loved by another person romantically. Granted, I'm only seventeen, but look at all the girls my age who're so happy and soo blabla lovey dovey. My tolerance for emotions may be higher or something, but what if there's just something wrong with me? What if I am just impossible to love?

There has been one person in my life who I could say I may have been in love with. I know that I love him, but I have loved many boys. I have a big heart, and that's nothing I'm ashamed of. The way I felt about Chad was different than the way I've felt about any other boy, but it just wasn't meant to work. I was never good enough, he was never around at the right times. I've been through too much that has left me too emotional for someone as rock-fucking-solid as him. He loved another girl, and I'm sure that girl will always come before me, even if she's not around anymore. I've learned that I need to find someone who will accept me for what I am. I'm not always happy, I'm not always ready to do what's asked, and I'm not willing to change myself to fit someone else's mold. I've got a lot on my plate, and I will never be able to devote myself to another person the way I'm sure he would have wanted me to. We've had our ups and downs, and I'm done trying so hard just to get the same reaction.

Now that I've finally given up, he "loves" me. It's been a year of back and forth. I've tried to please him in countless different ways, and Chad will never be satisfied. I've loved him for entirely too long, but I know that I wont stop. I can push him away. I'll find happiness, I'm sure. I can't sit around hoping that someday I'll be perfect for him. Perfect doesn't exist anyway, so why should I try? I mean, it hurts to know that I've caused him pain, but I will never forget the way that he's made me feel in the past. To know that one of the people you care about most in your life could care less about you is definitely one of the shittiest feelings in the world. I'm done feeling that way. I want to be happy.

Well I can't regret, can't you just forget it?

i'm not here to judge you. i'm just here to tell you what you have done wrong.

I want to learn how to cut ties with people. I want to be able to just erase people from my life and not have to worry about missing them. I always end up missing someone who should mean ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to me. Sooner or later, I give in and start talking to that person again, and I end up stuck with some asshole putting me in bad moods every day of my life. It's not that I want LOTS of people out of my life...just quite a few. (:

I also need to learn how to not try controlling every situation I am in. I always want to help people, and I get really really frustrated when they don't take my advice. I don't think I would mind so much if they just admitted that they didn't plan on listening, but my friends always tell me I'm right, and then just continue fucking up. I mean, I'm not perfect, but I'm not fucking stupid either. I've been through my fair share of bullshit, and I wouldn't try to help if I didn't think I knew how.

FUCK.

suspended like spirits over speeding cars.

Whenever I listen to Soco Amaretto Lime, I get this shitty sad feeling in the pit of my stomach. I miss summer so very much. This summer has made some fucking stellar memories and it's kind of saddening that winter's just around the corner. I know why this song causes me to feel so nostalgic. It has everything to do with a certain graduation party of my wonderful step-brother Sammy's. All night, Ray had his acoustic out off and on, playing Brand New songs that we all knew, because we're all troubled teens with good taste in alternative music.

Anyway, the image that enters my mind when this song starts to play is a beautiful one. I see all of my friends: drunk, high, happy, sad, half naked, hugging, kissing, dancing, living. The shadows are shifting and turning because we're all seeing by the light of a huge bonfire. The grass is littered with beer cans, cigarette packs, random items of clothing, and people who are completely done-for. All of the people around me are singing at the top of their lungs. The feeling you get when an amazing song is being lived out by you and all of your friends one warm summer night is something that can't be felt any other way. It's seriously one of the greatest emotions I've ever felt, even if it's kind of shitty now that summer's over.

Good Morning Sunshine.

Mornings are the absolute worst sometimes. I'm not sure why, but they are. Once in a while, I'll wake up feeling like I've been hit by an eighteen-wheeler. My head hurts, my back hurts, my ribs and legs are sore, and I haven't the slightest idea why. I wouldn't exactly call it enjoyable, but I'm pretty sure I'm just used to it now. I would really like to find the cause of this problem though, so that I can fix it.

The problem could be too much sleep. Usually, I sleep for three or four hours at most, and that somehow gets me through the day. I don't feel sore or achy at all. Last night, I slept for almost seven hours, and I woke up feeling like garbage. Granted, I felt like shit before I went to bed, and I had some trouble falling asleep, but that much sleep should have somehow helped the situation. I've woken up with absolutely no energy. My throat is even semi-sore.

This post is completely pointless, and kind of horribly written, but I just don't understand. I could probably sleep for the rest of the day if my mind (and grandmother) would allow it. Maybe I'll just take a few Tylenol and get over it.

at least i'm feeling more alive.

i'm trying too hard to fix other people's problems. i should really think about fixing my own. i want to see the people i care about with smiles on their faces. real smiles. i want to know that i've made a change somewhere, somehow. this post is probably dripping with self-pity, but i don't know how else to explain. it's like i've placed my problems in a completely unimportant category. right here, right now, i feel like i'm standing on the outside, looking in on the people i love. the people i love aren't happy. the people i love are self-destructive. i'm afraid.

& we'll stay awake through summer like we own the heat.

I love this time of year, no matter how much everyone else hates it. I know that this means school, work, crappy weather, etc., but I don't really mind at all. This is the time of year when there isn't really a name for the season. Summer is coming to an end, but at this point, I'm ready for a more solid schedule. I'm ready to see what can come of the next year until summer rolls around once more to bring me some amazing memories. Every summer, I tell myself that this is the best summer I have ever had. I don't really believe that each summer gets progressively better, it's just that every summer is perfect in its own little ways. This post is dedicated to the summer of 2009: "the best summer ever."

Kristen Connors! is the first person I'm going to write about, because she has inspired me to go on and on about summer for this post. I never expected to become good friends with Kristen this summer, but I did. We've gone through some crazy shit together, and now we have great memories to talk about. I have Kristen's urine permanently soaked into a pair of my jeans, but I don't mind at all. She was drunk and had to pee like you wouldn't believe, so we took a break from our walk and detoured through the Catholic church parking lot. Kristen peed ALL OVER her phone, and didn't know what to do. I just wiped it off all over my pants and kept on walking. Kristen and I bonded enormously the night of Sam Capolupo's graduation party. I never in my life expected to become that "close" to Kristen. (; The night Kristen slept over my house for the first time, which was actually the night Kristen peed on her phone, we got drunk before returning to my home. We sat by the train bridge and I drank a Hurricane while she drank beers with Becca. We came home, and I fixed my aunt's electric wheelchair, which surprises the hell out of me. We ate cookies and smoked cigarettes until my grandma went to bed, then we went for a walk. Kristen ended up convincing me to run around town in my pajamas, which were actually bright pink silky Betty Boop short-shorts. Why does it always have to rain on my fucking parade?!

HaHasHarlee! has been there for me more than anyone else has for the past few years. This summer we spent a lot of time together doing random things. We visited a waterfall, drank a lot of beer, had many sleepovers, ran from the cops, and had a ton of drama. We had a sleepover at Brandon's house with him and Anthony. We stayed up until like 8 in the morning doing absolutely nothing. This happens too often with Harlee. We've had so many sleepovers where we've just sat around doing nothing for entirely too long. One night, Harlee and I were laying in bed eating Funyuns and drinking Cream Soda. I realized at this point that Cream Soda was my favorite. Dr. Pepper is my favorite now, but that's besides the point. I was very thoroughly describing the taste in my mouth to Harlee while we laid in the dark. It became such a weird description that Harlee actually became afraid and had me stop talking. Harlee and I got into a car accident together this summer. That was great. We were coming back from Susquehanna, Harlee took a turn too fast, and we ended up doing a 180 and landing in a ditch. Harlee's car was totalled, but no one was seriously injured. Brandon's chips flew everywhere and Harlee thought it was broken glass. Kristen thought Kyle was dead and started screaming. My flip flops broke, as well as Harlee's, and we ended up at the bottom of JT Nabinger's driveway. DOOOOOROTHY!!!!

HOUSE! and I weren't able to spend a lot of time together this summer, but we definitely had a memorable sleepover. We stayed up until 6 AM watching random old movies and eating peanut m&ms and sandwiches. Between every movie, House and I went outside and smoked a cigarette. It was actually a really great system. We managed to have a wonderful night doing absolutely nothing and staying awake for no reason...completely sober. Another wonderful memory I have with my dear Melissa is of a day she fought with Brett. He walked by my house calling her a slut and such, so I asked how that even worked out. He proceeded to say that I was a slut too, which is completely untrue. I'm not a slut at all. I think people just love me. (: Sex is so creepy!!

Akela Breeden! has become my step sister, no matter the circumstances we're under with our "parents." We've had many great lunches together, where we've wandered aimlessly around Deposit, or sat at the Country Store eating our subs. Porch Therapy with Akela became tradition, until she just moved in. We could sit on my front porch smoking cigarettes and venting about what pains us until one of us had to leave. It was honestly the best way for me to release my emotions, because I know that Akela won't take anything the wrong way. I've helped Akela out when she was doing the "fifteen step." She's punched my ex-boyfriend in the face for me. I've helped her get clean...It's a back-and-forth relationship that I wouldn't want any other way.

Brandon John Terk! is the boy I will always be able to count on. He's not always the nicest person in the world, but that's alright, because I deserve it sometimes. Brandon has been trying to teach me how to take risks and stop being afraid since the day he met me. I'm learning slowly. We've been through a lot together, and I wouldn't trade our past for any other. Brandon and I have spent way too much time sleeping in tents together. I have learned a lot about myself just from the honesty that Brandon has shown me. He never tries to sugar coat things, and when the truth is so good that I don't believe it, he makes me believe. Never have I ever...had sex.

I've honestly made some amazing memories this summer, with a lot of people that I hope I never forget. I'm sure there are many other people who should have paragraphs written about them in this blog, but I could have written about them before, or I might write about them later. We'll see how that goes. I'm just glad I was able to write all of these things down before the seasons changed and the memories became too nostalgic to write about the same way.